FUCK THE SCENE, READ BYRON.

20.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 05:16:40 GMT

I'm coming out of a really rough night.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not really sure what sparked any of this. Some kind of random self-knowledge type of thing where, after a pretty rough streeter article, and another one of my every-afternoon sleeping periods, I decided something I'd known for a really long time, but hadn't wanted to admit it to myself.
And it was just like a sledge hammer to the head.
I don't want to be in journalism.
Not that I'm having a bad day and I don't feel like working. I've never wanted to be in journalism. There's never been some kind of primal urge for me to create journalistic pieces of writing.
I know this before. But I thought I could handle the career as a means of supporting my budding muisician and writerhood. It turns out I can't.
I don't like what I'm doing. I don't like what I'm being taught. And worse yet, I don't like spending the days and nights sitting in my room, knowing I should by all means be happier than I am. And yet, I'm not. And it's not getting better.

I spent a little time crying before John told me to come over to his room and talk for a bit, which I did, and then headed over to Elena's for a bit. By that time I had pretty much dried up (tear wise), and we got into some other topics. Ashley came in, and everyone went to grab some food downstairs, and then to come back up and talk in the mini-lounge before Ashley left, and I went to call my mom.

INSERT: Before I went to John's, I called home to talk to my mom, but she wasn't there, so I briefly told my dad that I didn't think I wanted to be in journalism, and asked him to get mom to call me when she got home.

I talked to my mom for about a half an hour, after which the panic in me had subsided. She said she understood. She said she'd always wondered whether or not this was the career path for me. And she wanted me to do what made her happy.
I'm going to finish the week, and my pop culture mid term on Monday, then I'm going to go home to Peterborough for the week while I try and figure some things out.
Things such as, why am I not studying English literature if English literature brings me so much freaking joy? And if fictional writing is what I'm good at? And why, if I don't know what I want to do with my life, am I spending a fortune on residence when I could be living at home, and studying at Trent, which has a fantastic English literature program?

So I'm going to spend some time on this, but I feel better.
I'm wearing Adam's Make It Your Business shirt, because it smells like him.

Man.
Life is so much more scary than they tell you when you're a kid.

♥

19.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 19:37:52 GMT

Why streeters?
Sell our souls to the devil.
Make us kill our first borns.
Give us the plague.

But street assignments?

What do you think we are, journalists?

Fuckin' program.

♥

18.

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 03:42:25 GMT

I guess Ricky decided to replace the modeling I did for him with another girl today. I mean, I know it was because I was in Peterborough for the weekend, and he didn't know when I was going to be back, but that doesn't take away from how much I feel like shit right now.

I got back from Peterborough today. I had a really good weekend home. I liked the feeling of being taken care of by my mom and my dad. It was so appreciated, and so long over due. But now that I'm back here, I feel kind of like I'm hanging again. Only this time I'm not friends with Dan. And Meara's.. somewhere. And I just feel really bummed out. And exhausted.
The latter makes sense, though. I was up at 7:00 this morning.

But the weekend was great. And now I'm not so happy to be back in Toronto.
Not so happy at all.

♥

17. For Elena.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 19:50:38 GMT

Badly Drawn Boy.

♥

16.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 15:25:37 GMT

I suddenly feel like deleting my myspace, and cutting off all my hair, and deleting most people from my msn contact list.

I don't know.
Everything seems superficial right now.
And it's a little hard not to lash out.
Christ, I'm in a bad mood.

♥

15.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 01:52:27 GMT

Two of my favorite things are water and bean salad.
Water and bean salad both make me feel like I'm doing something good for my body, and that in response it will live long and prosper.
I wish I took vitamins every day, as oposed to when I think about taking them, which is usually not during a meal, and that ruins the ability of my body to digest and use the vitamins therein.

I wish I had some cheese around...

I think I'm going to put some fushia into my hair. Kind of in my bangs, and under the back in the bottom. I helped Jess dye/bleach her hair today, which didn't really work that well because she has really thick hair, but there was a bit left at the end, and so she put it in the bottom of my hair, and it looks kind of cool. So I think I'm going to do that. (The bleach is actually bleach and dye combined, which is pretty innovative and sweet.)

I've been reading my pop culture text book and taking notes, because I feel like a bum today,and it sucks. I think I want to go buy some tea and a cheese product.
I'll finish this later.

♥

14.

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 20:54:59 GMT

Tagged by: ohtheantagonist
Top five favourite songs at the moment:

1. Angeles by Elliott Smith
2. Late by Ben Folds
3. We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab for Cutie
4. Evil by Interpol
5. Mercedes by Joseph Arthur

I tag ..everyone.

13.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 02:43:32 GMT

I am wiped out.

Friday was the last day I have money for... well, at least two to three weeks.
Every Time I Die.
See, the thing is, had I actually gotten off my ass earlier to get the ticket, I would only have paid 18 dollars. But I guess at the time Iwas still unsure about having to see Russ again, and whether or not there was any point in my actual going. But when I finally decided that I wanted to go, all tickets were sold out.
Go figure.
That's karma for you.

So I skipped my pop culture class re-scheduled from Monday, and walked down Queen street with Elena, Monty, and Dan Cooper at 4:00. Monty I guess decided it wasa good idea to go into Bang On and say hi to Eli, so we did that for a couple minutes. I have such a hard time talking to that guy. And it sucks, because he's beautiful.

We Elena left, and the rest of us walked down to Bathurst and tried to get me a ticket, which we eventually did via Scalper. And 40$. And I thought the guy was going to hit me, or rape me or something to be honest. Real sketchy dude. And Monty was being a bit of prick, too. His whole, "I act like an asshole in front of scene kids," deal. It makes me want to sack him.

The show was pretty good, though. I spent most of it with Norm(from Bowmanville, an ex-friend of mine)'s friends Tyler and Ashley. And I guess Monty. Monty's girlfriend never showed up, and he hadn't talked to her in a couple days. He told me that later on our walk home.
I ended up seeing Russ once, making a weird face, and walking away. I didn't, however, see Eli all night, which I guess was fine, because I wasn't in the mood to party with his friends afterwards.

So after the show, Monty and I walked back here, and had a pretty reasonable talk about Lindsay, and about Eli, and about the way he acts in front of people, and shit like that. I don't know. It was an overall good conversation. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him the next day, though. Which was weak.

When I got back to Pitman, Dan was drinking alone in his room. So I helped him out with that by taking a couple mouthfuls of gold..-shlagger. Or however you spell that. And then drinking a third of his peach schnapps. And eating his noodles.
Then he decided we'd go to floor six, because Joel had been planning something. Now, I had just gotten back from a hardcore show. My hair was a humid wreck, I wasn't wearing any makeup.. But what I was wearing was other peoples' sweat. So I was like "AH".
But it turned out to be really cool.
Well, nothing was really going on. Joel, Cooper, and a girl named Ashley were just kind of hanging out. But I spent the rest of the night with them and Dan, walking between our floor and floor nine. And it was spectacular.

I didn't, however, wake up the next morning until 1:00. And I spent basically all of the day in my room sulking and feeling awful. Awful. It was awful.
Then there was this margarita party at the guy's suite.
Yada, yada, yada.

I feel like ass.

12.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 15:04:40 GMT

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?:
Ugh..Bright Eyes and Fear Before the March of Flames are tied.

2. What was the last song you listened to?:
Shoreline (I'm listening to Windsurfing Nation)

3. What's in your record player right now?:
Windsurfing Nation. [That's Broken Social Scene, by the way.]

4. What song would you say sums you up?
"Inmates" by The Good Life.

5. What's your favorite local band?:
It USED to be The Black Tie Knife Fight before they kicked Adam out. Now I'm at a loss.

6. What was the last show you attended?
For the Mathematics last weekend. It wasan awful, cold exeperience, though.

7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?:
there are a few:
-the Interpol show at Kool Haus a couple weeks ago
-the "Goodbye Show" Adam Barry put on for me at the Trash with Sleeper Set Sail, Sydney and Rosesdead
-The Valentine show at Grassroots (Fac3, Black Tie, A Minute 'till Midnight, and them.)

8. What's the worst band you've ever seen in concert?:
Jet.
They played with Oasis.
It was fucking awful.

Or the Kills, which come to think of it, might have been worse than Jet.

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?:
Well, I didn't used to hate him, but I'm pretty unhappy with Keith Buckley of Every Time I Die.

10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?:
I've been playing music since I was able to talk (singing. That's still playing music.) I've been in competitive bands from grade 6-12. And yeah. There we are.

11. What show are you looking forward to?:
Well, tonight I'm hoping to get into Every Time I Die.
If not, the Blood Brothers.

12. What is your favorite band t-shirt?:
My "this is a rock and roll takeover" shirt.

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?:
Tim Kasher of Cursive and the Good Life, Matt Good, Keith Buckley even though he's a huge ass.

14. What musician would you like to be in love with you for a day?:
Keith. Or Conor Oberst.

15. Metal question-Jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes?:
wut dah fuk?

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?:
Sabbath. Ozzy's kind of.. too brain dead to write any good music.

17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie?:
Neither.

18. Punk rock, hip hop or heavy metal?:
Oh ew. This isn't fair.
Heavy metal, but that's just because I hate it a little less than the other two.

19. Doesn't Primus suck?:
Sure does.

20. Name 5 flawless albums:
-Hot Damn! [ETID]
-Album of the Year [the Good Life]
-Odd How People Shake [Fear Before the March of Flames]
-Turn on the Bright Lights [Interpol]
-Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence [Glassjaw]

21. What was the greatest decade for music?:
The 60-70's.

22. How many music-related videos/dvds do you own?
none.

23. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?:
Garden State.

24. What was your last musical "phase" before you wisened up?:
Screamo. That was almost awful.

25. What's the crappiest CD/record/etc. you've ever bought?:
S Club 7.

26. Do you prefer vinyl or CDs?:
CDs, to be honest. But I guess I'm kind of biased since I never use a record player.

11.

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 03:37:48 GMT

dc says:[Dan Cooper]
hahahaha, well no i figured about the boy thing. you're much too independent and strong-willed for me to believe that you're even capable of giving anyone the satisfaction of liking them. even if it was just for looks

what the hell?
haha.

♥

10.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 23:46:50 GMT

I can't stop sucking the chocolate off of chocolate-covered coffee beans, and it's so bad for my health.
Furthermore, Oz dragged his hand down my face last night and caught my lip ring. Now it's swollen, and sore, and red. And lip rings kill like there's no end to the story.

Today's been a really good day, though.
My first streeter started at around 10:15.We were given topics, and then sent out to get peoples' opinions on the topics. I was supposed to meet Cooper(Dan Cooper) outside my class at 10:30. I'm not actually sure why, to be perfectly honest. And it just occured to me. I have no idea why we planned to meet.
Anyway, he was with a couple people, so I ended up interviewing them all for the streeter, and so I got that part of the assignment over with really fast.
One of the guys, Kieran, who's friends with Jess, said he'd try to get me on the Every Time I Die guest list this Friday because he's friends with the promoter, and I want to go, and don't have a ticket.

I spent most of the rest of the ..early afternoon writing my article. Actually, maybe an hour.
So I wrote my article for an hour, and read, and then talked to Cooper more. Then it was 4:00, and Jess and I went to buy cupcakes for tea, came back, and talked for a long time whereupon John and eventually Darcy joined us.
It was cool.

Funny thing of the day:
Last night Monty got me to send a message to Eli asking him to add me to his msn. Now, on myspace you can see whether someone's read your message, and he had by today, but he hasn't added me to msn yet. So I was like, fuck that. And then caught up in my day.
However, for some reason I checked out his profile later, and he has me in his top 8 friends.
And I'm all like.. huh?

Anyway.
That's all.

♥

09.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 03:12:43 GMT

I ENJOYED THE DODGE BALL GAME AGAINST THE RTA TEAM SO MUCH TONIGHT THAT I THOUGHT I'D WRITE IT IN ALL CAPITOLS BECAUSE I ALSO ENJOY WRITING IN ALL CAPITOLS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE ME DOWN TO ROTATE THIS TOMORROW.

♥

08.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 14:45:55 GMT

I've been wondering whether I ever thought coming back to Peterborough would be as easy and fitting as I expected it to be. Cheers, hugs.
And I'll admit, there certainly was some of the latter. But it didn't feel real. It didn't seem like a "welcome back," but more like a... "haven't seen you in ages, wont see you again for ages." It's kind of sad when you think about it, I don't like here anymore. And more than fifty per cent of people are quick to remember that.

Hearing what Jen had said about me drunk was the down part of the weekend, for sure. It didn't so much hurt as make me want to lash out, because I sure as hell saw it coming. I'd sure as hell seen it coming for a long time, so I'm not upset anymore. I'm a little upset that a fair amount of my memories of Peterborough have Jen in them, but I can overlook that. I have at least five supreme friends still living here, and I love them very much.
I don't want to be friends with a beer-drinking, cigarette-smoking Jen Ruttle, anyway.

I haven't done anything ridiculously exciting this weekend since being home. Shannon and I went to Kathleen's show at the Trash on Friday night. She broke even, which I guess was great, but we didn't know any of the kids there except for Rachel Naish, and the guys from Enter Ghost. We ended up leaving early.
Saturday night I was supposed to interview Clay Fisher from For the Mathematics at Grassroots. Dugan picked me up, and we grabbed Shannon and hung out for a while. He said I reminded him of Nikki Six(Motley Crue), which wasm't all in all that flattering. But it was funny.
Shannon and I went down to Grassroots, met up with Zach and.. then tried to get some interviews, but ended up feeling too cold, and too much like winter. So we walked down to the Spill with Adam, and got hot chocolate. And hung out down there. And that was that.

Yesterday I went to Belleville for dinner. I don't really have more to say on that topic.

I want to shower.

♥